Getting the results

Results day is here at last. Woke up in terror with my mind throwing up all sorts of scenarios but there is a predominant one, that of hearing my consultants voice saying that I have three months to live!!!

I phone my warrior male friends who have been with me every step of the way with this cancer and tell them that I am really scared and want my Mum (who is dead) and in reality would have been too scared herself to have been of much help. However in times like these a Mum is a good person to have.

I am offered Reiki by one of my friends which is great. It did calm me down a little bit. My sister arrives and at 11am we set off in the taxi for the hospital.

It's like going to your death. I feel sick, sweaty, numb terrified and angry that I am in this position again. Shit! This is not fair! This is the sixth time my family and I have been left waiting for the results and it does not get any easier.

You can smell the fear in the waiting room everybody looks really stoical to me where as I have the feeling that I am looking terrified. I can't take up the offer of tea or read a book except just keep moving my crossed leg in agitation.

The oncologist, surgeon, radiologists etc all sit in a joint meeting discussing your case. It's all very joined up and confidence building as they all look at what's up with you and give their expert opinion. I see my surgeon Mike and he gives me a little smile which gives me hope. Whilst waiting for these results you scan the doctors for any tell tale give away signs as they are reading other peoples names out.

Finally after what feels like waiting for twenty four hours my name is called. Now it feels like the walk on death row......I get a glimpse of what it must be like to walk to your impending death. Images of Mary Queen of Scots arise as she is going to be executed etc ... What the fuck is going to be said.....

Phew! We all breathe gain the cancer has not spread.... They want to do another scan just to be sure....another wait..... bollocks! My young enthusiastic oncologist insists he is bouyant about a positive outcome. They just have to satisfy themselves that it is all okay before they go ahead and treat the right armpit locally with surgery/radiotherapy....

He says he is sorry I have to wait for the results another fortnight!!! I dont know why but I start to feel guilty/ashamed of having written "Hell on Earth". What will he think of me, this nice doctor who has just told me that my organs are clear of cancer.

This is exactly why patients don't feedback on the pain of waiting for results....the pain dissolves in the ecstasy of hearing good results. It's like experiencing the pain of having a child.... it's never again until the child is born and then all is forgotten.

I feel as if I have jumped out of my box when I wrote "Hell on Earth". Patients are meant to be compliant and not question the system....oh well.....

My family and I leave the hospital in a daze and after calling into our local cancer care centre for a debrief session we head for the nearest hotel for champagne and celebration that I am not facing "three months". I feel totally wiped out I am starting to come down from the andrenalin rush....

I feel jubilant this morning and I have decided cancer or no cancer to live my life to the full. These waiting periods have made me fearless. I am going to live the rest of my life as if I had three months left. I want to put two lines under the cancer no matter what comes my way and live life to the max taking all the opportunities out there.....watch this space......