Hell on Earth

I find it hard to confront the medics with their thoughtless remarks which they make a lot. Most of them are not trained how to be emotionally equipped around patients I find in general the Docs are brilliant cancer docs but apart from my surgeon and oncologist most docs suffer from the lack of emotional intelligence training.

The reason why I find it hard to confront in the moment is that the cancer can render you to a very vulnerable state. I do want to be more authentic in the moment so watch this space....will do it with compassion and love.

The wait for results is like a hell on earth I decided to put my thoughts on it on to paper and I wrote a great piece challenging the wait. It was really cathartic to do it and I was really proud of the way I was able to be open with my feelings yet at the same time keep in mind the frustrations and limitations the NHS staff work under.

"Chunkier glands" ...very helpful

I am back from London waiting to see the radiologist who will do the scan and then if needed the biopsy.

I was called into the scan room. The lights were darkened and I got this jelly put on under my right armpit. She then said after examining the scan that "my glands were more chunkier than she would like". How fucking helpful is that comment to me!!!! We know that love that's why I'm here!!

Doc confirms there is a lump...

Saw my Doc who has confirmed that there is a lump... shit no, it can't be! I have been told it may be linked to an infection with the lymph glands swollen up. Told not to worry too much.

The Doc means well but it's so silly to say "dont worry"... "dont juump to conclusions". What the fuck else am I going to do !

Then there is this fucking waiting ...waiting for the scan then waiting for the results...

To be fair there had to be a wait for the scan as I am going to London for a conference and to see my son my oncologist gives me the next best date.

I leave his office in a daze. I am just hoping the lumps not cancerous.

I meet with my daughter for something to eat. We talk ourselves crazy coming up with five thousand reasons why it could not be cancer. We are so much trying to convince ourselves!!

Meanwhile I get a urinary tract infection, so I am hopeful that the "Lump" is connected to it.....

29 days since my chemo finished

It's twenty nine days since my chemo finished and I have just felt a pain under my left armpit whilst reaching up to get my porridge. I am seeing my onocologist tomorrow for a routine check so will alert him to it.

Chemo gone... Energy Returning

Now that my chemo is now well out of my system the fatique is leaving quickly which is a blessing and I am getting my energy back quickly. It's great waking up in the morning and not feeling as tired as when you were when you got into bed!!

It's great to feel normal again. It has been twenty one days since my chemo finished and apart from the bloating in my ankles and feet, there are no other side effects . I am now starting to eat healthily again and losing some weight.

Boudecia meets Eva Peron versus the DWP!

This morning I get the news that I have been turned down for Disability Living Allowance. It's a joke applying for this benefit.

The staff at the DWP are not medically trained and therefore have no idea what Iam going through with the chemo and how it affects me on a daily basis .They have made their assessment on my Doctor's report which does not mention anything about how I manage on a daily basis.

I am rendered a liar and my only resource is to go before a tribunal of three people; a lawyer, a retired GP (what do they know of the daily management of chemo) and a person from the glorious Dept of Works and Pensions!!!

I put my case and I am well equipped to do that but for most sick and vulnerable people they fall at the first hurdle of being rejected on paper.Thats what the DWP want and the systems are set up to reject most applications. It's almost as if the application process is designed to wear you down enough that you will give up applying which actually happens in most cases!!!!

Not in mine it doesn't... Boudecia meets Eva Peron versus the DWP and I will win....