Appetite not back yet...

Not got my appetite back and food remains a problem. Most nights I don't feel like making myself anything and usually the temptation to graze on something tempting but not nourishing is great.

I feel tremendous guilt with my diet. I know what a healthy diet is and most of the time I am there, however chemo plays havoc with your hormones and I get cravings like just when I was pregnant with my two kids.

Most of the time during the chemo I have been comfort eating and eating all the wrong food. I do get angry though with the terror around diet if you have cancer. I know there is supposed to be a link between dairy and breast cancer and I still eat it .....

Millionaire by 3rd August 2009

Started a "How to be a Millionaire course" this is fabulous as I have made a pact with a friend that we will be millionaires by the 3rd of August 2009 How we will get there I do not know but we can have fun attempting it Being on the course directs the focus away from the cancer and like doing the flamenco gives me a break from it.

Flamenco brings energy

In all of the tiredness bloatedness etc I have started back at my beloved beginners Flamenco class I was really self-conscious tonight. I know I look as white as a sheet and wearing the "cancer look" scarf !! However I am so delighted with myself that I actually got through the hour without keeling over. I actually felt energised doing it!! My daughter commented on my return home that I looked better in ages. Doing what you love does work!

Aaah... A Response

The Lymphodema specialist gets in touch thanking me for my letter and she is going to review the referral procedures...well done to her and to me....

4 Week Wait for Appointment

Go to the hospital today to be told that I have to wait 4 weeks for an appointment I am not happy about this at all i need a diagnosis or a reassurance about this soon. I decide to write a letter to the Lymphodema specialist oulining my concerns and giving feedback on how the referrral was handled which in my opinion was not well given there was no apology or explanation.

Whilst overall my treatment has been great I get pissed off with the cavalier way that the NHS treats patients at time ie not offering any explanation apologies etc There is a whiff of "you are lucky you are getting this treatment"that I have an antennae up for and I will comment on it If I find it.

What I have discovered with all of this is that I have a knack of writing really good letters which dont pull any punches but are still able to be heard which is important. I am concious that no one wants to read a rant and that I do believe that most people are doing their best within the resources they operate within tis just that staff can become "unconcious" around patients and their needs . Systems are not questioned collapsing into"thats the way it has always been" Patients are put into a box which is marked "compliant" no way is that for me I like to ask, like children do, the question " Why" It is not always appreciated by staff but hey ho .......

Lymphodema and bloatedness

The bloatedness is all over my body but there is a worry now that I may have Lymphodema in my left arm which i need like a hole in the head. Lymphodema can happen if you have had your lymph nodes removed at the time of surgery which had happened to me

Jabba the Hut look-a-like

Have family reunion today with my sisters and brother in law and my two children Its fine although I am feeling like the "sick" relative and I get pitying glances from my older sister.

We are meant to be celebrating the end of my chemo but i feel like shit look like Jabba the Hut and feel less like celebrating and more like wanting it to end so I can crawl into bed

Tired and bloated...

Feel very tired and bloated today and my eye is driving me mad It streams water all the time and leaves me looking as if I have been crying all night . Maybe my body is crying the tears I am not crying myself ..Either way I look awful and my vanity ego etc is taking a knock....

The drug Herceptin ...

The drug Herceptin ... this was a drug that was hailed as a wonder drug that a lot of women went to court over as it was not on general prescription . I had originally declined Herceptin as it has implications for the heart and I felt that at the time when I was finishing my first round of treatments that my body had had enough . I was also never given a compelling argument for me taking it . At the time it just felt right not to take it However when the cancer came back the medics strongly advised Herceptin and I took their advice.

Last dose of chemo

Just had last chemo thank god! this regime has been really tough I have really had a glimpse into feeling what it must be like to feel old or to be an elderly person. Due to the fatique I have had to walk really slowly.People keep bumping into me and getting irritated with me probably because I dont look elderly and should be walking faster I am also feeling very vulnerable on the streets because I am standing out not fitting in with the herd of fast walkers.

The streets where I live are very wide and I panic I wont be able to cross the road in time before the lights change god what it must feel like to be an OAP!!

Feeling like shit today just dont have any energy at all I am going back to bed

Feel better today but still feeling weak going to the theatre with a friend so looking forward to that just doing something normal been to the theatre dont know if it just how I am feeling but I did not enjoy the experience it was ok the characters of the play just dint come alive for me.

This last dose of chemo really taking its toll now feel awful just tired and weak it should be out of my system by the middle of May I have got sixteen days to go.......

Have managed to get the energy from somewhere as I have eventually managed to put he finishing touches to a book that has been a four year project I am getting it ready to send to an editor for polishing up I feel elated and surprised at how much effortless effort was required to finish it.

Go to see my fantastic new enthusiastic oncologist (enthusisam is a real plus in an oncologist!!) for a check up really moan about the tiredness to him . I am sure the medical fraternity will look back in a hundred years and say of chemo....."we didnt give that to patients did we.......
My oncologist's prognosis for me is that the cancer will come back mine is that it wont its not that Im in denial that I have a very aggressive cancer.

My chemo sessions...

My first two chemo sessions were "if thats it bring it on" However after the third session everything changed...I started to get terribly fatigued I have never noticed benches when I have been out walking before before but I need to keep a look out for them now as I am getting more and more breathless and need to sit down.

I live in a flat which is on the second floor so climbing the stairs is a nightmare I feel like an old lady I just dont have a lot of energy and have to stop every couple of minutes I feel really sad at this as I used to come up these stairs at a brisk old trot .I know I know that my energy will return but that is no comfort just now .

Most afternoons I have to have a nap and I have been enjoying getting into bed with a good book and just drifting into sleep. With fatigue though you never feel rested when you awake it a pain.

After five chemo treatments I am feeling tired, fat, frumpy and ugly .Fat because I have comfort ate all through the chemo I have had loads of cravings for sugar and curry probably the worst combination you could take for cancer I feel so guilty for eating all this crap and I get really irritated when \i get dumped on by well meaning friends who want to remind you of the links between dairy and every other bloody thing to breast cancer Fuck off I just cannot exist on raw food Yuch!!

Frumpy cause I have put on weight and as i feel bloated I am reduced to wearing the same elasticated trousers etc like an old woman.

Ugly because due to an allergic reaction to the chemo i have constant watering eyes which are driving me mad I now cannot wear eye make up i was enjoying being able to do this as with this chemo i did not lose all my eyelashes so could wear mascara Now that all swims off my eyes with all the water activity .

I know that beauty comes from within but I am looking and feeling pretty shitty and as white as a sheet ...help!!

When I am taking a shower I am forced to look at my chest area. The reconstruction that i had done in 2006 is fantastic the surgeon did a great job however I am still missing a nipple .... Sticking out from under my neck is this long piece of tubing .....great I know I will feel differently post chemo but for just now its hard to look at the white face and the body I feel somewhat disfigured. As I am single its hard for me at the moment to feel that I will ever meet someone.... how do you explain all of this....

My New Oncologist - A Breath of Fresh Air

I met my new oncologist he was a breath of fresh air as he was enthusiastic, was interested in me as a person and not just as a breast!! and respected my wishes for not wanting to hear the 175 side effects of the new chemo regime I was about to receive nor did I want to hear about any depressing scary statistics he had to hand No thank you i will take my chances in ignorance.

My new regime of chemo called Taxotere and Herceptin started on the 9th of January and as i had problems with my veins my doctor wanted to recommend me for a Hickman line and i had one inserted on the 24of January under local anesthetic A Hickman line is a large piece of ugly fine tubing which was inserted just under my neck on the right hand side I blagged to the surgeon that I was an actress and needed it to be discreet as possible.

However such is the design of the Hickman Line that its hard for me to disguise it under clothing no matter how much I try and how much I try to hook it up out of the way. The line however is a god send when I am having the chemo or the herceptin no longer do I have to put up with having my hands inserted into hot water to pump up the veins or have to endure the agony of failed needles into veins attempts!!!

Now I buy my magazines and a cup of tea before my chemo get hooked up which takes seconds and I just sit there hands free reading the time away.

Just after the first chemo session I started to lose my hair I thought the second time around I would be ok as I had lost all my hair with my first chemo in Sept 2005. How wrong I was.... I was really upset this time to have my head shaved I was hoping to keep some of my hair but it was not to be.

The last time I wore a wig which was ok but I never felt it was truly me i never felt authentic in it . I got another wig this time but i have hardly worn it as its very itchy. I use a scarf tied very nicely into quite a trendy turban its more me and I feel more comfortable with it .

My sixth and last chemo...

I am due for my sixth and last chemo on Tues the 24th April it cant come a day too soon However what I won't miss is the steroids which I have to take on the day before my treatment and for two days after that The steroids wake me up in the middle of the night with such energy that I could do all my housework and the flats above and below me its sooooo annoying to be that awake in the middle of the night!!! The steroids also put my sleep out for the rest of the week an dinto the nesxt week I am just getting back into a pattern when we are off again Grrrr

Tomorrow I have the district nurse who calls to take my bloods from my Hickman line to ensure that my white cell count is up enough for me to have the chemo on the Tuesday Its a palaver getting all the stuff out for them and I am anxious about infection as Hickman lines are very prone to infection I wont allow the nurses to use my towels as no matter how clean the towels are I prefer that they use wipes. I dont think that has gone down very well.....

Although I am grateful to the distict nurse service administering to me in my home, I feel resentful as I feel very much like a victim in my own home. The nurse's dont mean anything by it but they get things for me ithat I could easily get for myself. I am not infirm.....