My chemo sessions...

My first two chemo sessions were "if thats it bring it on" However after the third session everything changed...I started to get terribly fatigued I have never noticed benches when I have been out walking before before but I need to keep a look out for them now as I am getting more and more breathless and need to sit down.

I live in a flat which is on the second floor so climbing the stairs is a nightmare I feel like an old lady I just dont have a lot of energy and have to stop every couple of minutes I feel really sad at this as I used to come up these stairs at a brisk old trot .I know I know that my energy will return but that is no comfort just now .

Most afternoons I have to have a nap and I have been enjoying getting into bed with a good book and just drifting into sleep. With fatigue though you never feel rested when you awake it a pain.

After five chemo treatments I am feeling tired, fat, frumpy and ugly .Fat because I have comfort ate all through the chemo I have had loads of cravings for sugar and curry probably the worst combination you could take for cancer I feel so guilty for eating all this crap and I get really irritated when \i get dumped on by well meaning friends who want to remind you of the links between dairy and every other bloody thing to breast cancer Fuck off I just cannot exist on raw food Yuch!!

Frumpy cause I have put on weight and as i feel bloated I am reduced to wearing the same elasticated trousers etc like an old woman.

Ugly because due to an allergic reaction to the chemo i have constant watering eyes which are driving me mad I now cannot wear eye make up i was enjoying being able to do this as with this chemo i did not lose all my eyelashes so could wear mascara Now that all swims off my eyes with all the water activity .

I know that beauty comes from within but I am looking and feeling pretty shitty and as white as a sheet ...help!!

When I am taking a shower I am forced to look at my chest area. The reconstruction that i had done in 2006 is fantastic the surgeon did a great job however I am still missing a nipple .... Sticking out from under my neck is this long piece of tubing .....great I know I will feel differently post chemo but for just now its hard to look at the white face and the body I feel somewhat disfigured. As I am single its hard for me at the moment to feel that I will ever meet someone.... how do you explain all of this....